god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Randomize
