How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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