and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
