hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
