Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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