I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
