Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
