woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
