as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
