just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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