Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
