let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
