Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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