are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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