I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
