Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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