i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
