well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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