I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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