My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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