I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i want to swaddle you in tequila
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
