I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
