Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
