Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize