I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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