My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
