Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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