the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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