i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
