just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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