Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.