I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
