mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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