Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
