im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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