God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
