Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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