you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
