me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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