you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
