alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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