i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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