those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
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I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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