This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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