Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
