No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
