omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
