Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I am one with the molecules
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
