You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
