What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
