yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
