Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
