He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
