At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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