my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
