She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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