its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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