Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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