There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There are leaves in my underwear?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
